Feeling stupid...

Well, I broke down and played again. Now it's blackjack and I've lost $350 in the last 3 days.First time since the 22nd of August. Still behind in my bills, but catching up. I do and don't feel as bad as before. I feel like it's not as bad because I'm not losing as much as I used to. I feel worse because that last sentence is how I justify my actions. to myself: KNOCK IT OFF! You need to read what you wrote before. You almost made it a month. Now you have to start over and can't be proud of an accomplishment. ok, now I feel like I should about being so stupid. again, to myself: c'mon dude, get it together. you want nice stuff? you want insurance so you can ride your cycle again. that made you feel so much better than the weak, petty rush you get from gambling. risk your LIFE, not your life. you want a fun life full of content or a life full of stress? You're going to get calls tomorrow from bill collectors. quit dodging them and set some goals. it's not hopeless, but it is gonna take complete dedication. good luck. don't be a person who needs luck, that's not you.

Still getting caught up...

This is the month I hope to get caught up on all of my bills. It's gonna take some creative payment scheduling, but I think I can get it done. I have this unrelenting nervousness about my bills and getting them paid. It's so easy to get behind and so hard to catch up. Once this is  over I'm gonna feel so much weight lifted off of me. Keep you head up and get it done.

Paying bills bums me out...

Looking at all the bills I'm behind on makes me feel really low and frustrated. The thought of getting out from under them seems so far away and I wonder just how long I've got on each before this starts to have serious long term ramifications on the rest of my life, if it hasn't already. This is a miserable feeling, but I'm going to try and not dwell on it. Now all I can do is try everyday to get them paid and make it better.

Good ass day...

I didn't gamble tonight. It feels great and now I'm going to do something much better, get some mind numbing entertainment for free from the tube.

Day after

Just woke up. Feel bad about wasting money last night. I've already had 3 phone calls from debt collectors. Not how I want to start my day. My life has been like this off and on since I moved to Vegas. This town can chew people up. But, my whole family is here, my life is here. I won't let it ruin me. I'm not going to gamble today. 

1st post

I just got off work. Tonight I made $325 in tips. I blew all of that plus $100. I have 4 different debt collectors calling me every day. I am on a payment plan on a home that I can barely afford when I'm making the regular payment. I feel like shit...

It's 2:14am. When I wake up in the morning I'm going to feel even more like shit because I won't let myself get out of this hole that I'm in. I'm newly single. The reason for that is connected (not entirely, because I'm also a lier when it comes to my gambling) to my issue with gambling. I hate the way I feel and I hate what it has done to my life.

Gamblers Anonymous is just like AA, it has to do with spiritual beliefs and the fact that nobody has control over their actions. Well I do.

This blog is my chance to have something better to contribute to others (myself included) and to feel better about my chances of not gambling tomorrow. 

I WANT TO QUIT GAMBLING COMPLETELY!

I'm smart enough to know that I can't just gamble a little bit. It really is all or nothing. I don't believe that it's a sickness or a disease though. I just think that I can't control myself when it comes to this. 

I have a lot to not gamble for. A house, a dog, a family that I don't want to lie to anymore. I'm so tired of feeling hopeless and stressed out everyday because of this. 

I know what it feels like to not gamble. I quit for 3 months. Didn't drop a dime. It felt so great to pay all of my bills on time and to have money to do fun things that didn't involve sitting in a bar and losing my hard earned money at an incredible rate. 

Whenever I feel like gambling I'm going to look at this and read the things I've written and I'm going to write more. I'll write about what bills I've caught up on. How good it feels to have money in my pocket. How I don't wake up feeling like it's another hopeless day. How I don't think my life is going to stay the same, boring and predictable.

If you read this, please share any stories you have or any support you can give. If you need support, please let me know. Sometimes it helps to help others.

It's now 2:28am. I hope that I feel the same way tomorrow.

Thanks